becci’s posterous

In Between

slipping through the cracks, hiding just out of

reach there's this world we miss.  a world filled

to bursting with more planes of existence that

comprehension can master. infinite grandeur & 

grief co-habitate in this space; waiting for us to

feel in our souls the low spark of it arcing upward.

the space between awake & slumber is filled with

infinite moments, the chance to visit dreamscapes

so filled with light the heart aches with joy...or that

deeply unsettling planet where the monsters slink out

from under the bed. those are the extremes...between

those are memories that flood in a tempest of bittersweet.  

the space between life & death is but a golden trembling

thread...yet we don't see it on the average day.  we run 5

minutes slowfast & miss the big moment--the one that snatches

your breath; leaves you mystified & marveling at the way

that cute boy/girl has crinkles at the corners of their eyes.

if we're lucky that moment finds us open & we hang on.  

too often we are caught in between the moment our coffee cup

empties & fresh coffee is ready. better to take that moment

and reflect on how the tiniest drop creates infinite rings in that

self-contained universe of dark roasted beans & wonder.

i am in between & you are in between...together we can fill

that space & make it richer.  when i am filling it with tears, please

fill it with solace.  when you are filling it with joy i'll open the flood

gates so that it spills out on everyone.  embrace the in between

with me and break it wide open so when it ends whether in fire or ice

there is no question our mark has been left on all we touched.

Dreaming of $4000 & A Vampire

I don't ever share my dreams here....it's not because I don't have any but rather that I have so many.  I've always have incredibly vivid dreams...full of color, sound and every nuance of what often feels like a real experience.  Even my recurring nightmare was (thankfully it has disappeared since I met Hubby...) so terrifying that to this day I can feel the terror I experienced when I was younger.  I have woken up laughing, crying, screaming & completely unsure where I was in reality.

Last night I was up too late...a touch of insomnia coupled with attempting to do something that was requested of me.  I hate it when someone makes a request of me & I am unable to complete it.  Especially when I know it could be helpful & uplifting for whomever I'm attempting to help. I was also very sad...there's a lot wrapped up in that & I just don't feel like talking about it now.  Anyway, I fell asleep with snippets of "Digital Ghosts" singing along my synapses & all the self-doubt I have focused on what I felt was a failure on my part. (Seriously, I loathe the idea that someone would be disappointed by me.  Especially when a very good friend makes a kind request. You have no idea how I can start to obsess about making good on something & trying to reassure myself that things are good, the person isn't upset with me & that I'm being silly about the whole situation. Part of my brain knows that I'm blowing stuff out of proportion & the rest is busy pointing out all the reasons I'm about to find myself kicked to the curb.)  So with all this floating through my brain plus about 17 million other things it's actually a wonder I slept at all...

Anyway, I dreamed I was at my office & had quietly let someone know that I was leaving my job. We chatted a bit & then went our separate ways.  Over time I noticed that more & more people in the office and the adjoining bank were doing a lot of whispering.  I asked my co-worker (actually a gal who works in the bank) if she had said anything about our earlier conversation.  She of course had  & so I decided to make an announcement.  I called everybody together (why I would do this I have no idea....I am not good at public speaking.  Not to mention the number of people working in my office was several times the number actually there.  Oh, and random people I know who live thousands of miles were there too.) and announced that I was indeed leaving my position & that I would be sad to go. I talked about how much I liked everybody & some other things.  Everybody started clapping which made me hide my face & cry.  

After a bit we were eating lunch cafeteria style when a man walked up to me & handed me 4 $1000 bills. He said they had been taped to the bottom of his desk drawer for years in case he found someone who needed help.  He said although it wouldn't keep me around it would help us on our way in our new life. I got very emotional (I know you're shocked by this) & hugged him quite hard.  He responded by hugging back & doing a magic trick in which he pulled $200 out of my ponytail along with a novelty $17 (which is my favorite number).

Not long after that I was suddenly in a massive garden party where everyone was dressed in formal wear for a wedding/prom type event...I wandered around, mingling with the guests (so not me...in real life I'd be hiding in a corner scribbling on napkins) until it began to rain. Then I headed off to stand in line at the soda machine in the local gas station for 20 minutes in order to get a Mountain Dew.  After failing this but being given a golden eagle head coin by an Native American tribal chief I entered my bedroom to do my hair for a cocktail party I was throwing. (okay if you're not rolling on the ground in hysterical laughter right now you don't know me very well. The idea of me doing my hair for any reason is beyond the pale....not to mention me throwing a cocktail party.  The idea of planning a party would set my paranoia, OCD & depression off to uncharted heights.)  

I was standing in front of my antique dresser w/the mirror, candlelight flickering against the deep red of the walls.  As I was curling my hair in fancy ringlets a man in a tux walked in, stood behind me and rested his chin on my shoulder. He was someone I knew I suppose as I didn't immediately freak out. However that changed quickly as he swept my hair away from the nape of my neck, grew fangs & morphed into a wildly terrifying vampire.  He attempted to sink his teeth into my neck, shoulders & back as I screamed & laid into him with the curling iron. I left some pretty intense burns across his eyes, face & hands before several people stormed in--led by Hubby of course-- and they electrocuted him.  This of course didn't kill him but left him twitching at the foot of my bed.  Several times he tried to revive himself but I'd burn him with the curling iron or someone would run 220 volts through him for a few minutes.  At one point a cat in a small vampire cape appeared hovering in mid-air & attacked me.  Immediately a dozen or so cats belonging to my friends & me responded by stalking the vampire cat & shredding it into a million pieces of flying fur.  My personal protector cat Betty Boop (a teeny tiny kitten with razor sharp gleaming white claws & blue black fur) led the pack, then came back to gently rub her face to mine & purr.

I woke up seconds later bawling & shaking....no idea what that's all about but there it is--a very scary look into my subconscious mind.  Feel free to analyze me & then send me to a safe location where I can get electroshock treatments as I'm sure I need them!  Oh, please comment before you lock me away.

Stream of Consciousness

thoughts are flicking in & out of my brain like a 

fly-fishing rod; jumping, twitching from air to the

surface of the water.  jumbled images clutching

at the heart as they try to find dry ground from

the tumultuous stream of emotion...the middle

is fraught with black whirlpools that beckon.

enticing little ripples of anger edge one shore;

on the opposite side is the enticing shadow

of forgetfulness, cool arms that will caress

all feeling away. there are bright spots at 

random times, luring me along in the stream.

Untitled #41

summer barely breached the horizon when

fall gusted in, filled with swirling leaves--

unchanged yet into the brilliant colors that

herald their death; early snow in great fat

flakes, silent white birds clouding the

sightscape. Twilight comes, tangled

pink in the golden tamarack; crisply

blown arctic air flings itself against

the shrouded sliver of moon, lady of

mystery peers down.  All the wonder

of life here in the North, rugged cliffs

and forests call out in a final deep 

sigh before Hypnos & Morpheus  

return in the cold of winter's embrace.

Haiku #1

I take my inspiration anywhere I can find it these days. This picture captured by my Twitter friend @HappiForever inspired me to write the following:  

 

blazing leaf beauty ~ snapped up and kept; memory ~ to heat your future

Pink blush

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

A Little Haiku

Clouds layering day / night lingers in the shadows / where autumn will sleep.   (http://pic.gd/381c09)

Blue and orange flames / cricket songs lingering soft/ stars say their good night   (http://pic.gd/781818)

Fog slithers between / tamarack trees standing guard / over blazing orange West

Bright autumn sunlight / small ripples of great river /dappled paths in peace (see http://nil17.com/2009/09/untitled-37/ for the picture that goes with this one)

snow feathers the grass ~ green in the late autumn swirl ~ wishswept branches dance  (this was popular (?) on Twitter...I used it in the #makeupaword game.)